When you’re abused as a child, so many of your thought patterns and beliefs center around what happened to you. When you’re a kid being terribly mistreated, and you don’t know what it’s called, but you know that it’s not okay, and you wish that you could tell, but you don’t think anyone will listen; that forms your beliefs about yourself. You endure things a child should not have to endure, and you adjust to it in a strange way. You can’t change the situation, so your mind hardens and becomes cruel to itself in an attempt to toughen itself up.
You think that people must know what’s happening to you, because to you it feels like you’re screaming what’s happening. You’re so consumed by it and drowning in it that it feels physical and it’s hard to understand that people cannot actually see that. When those people don’t do anything, you start to realize that no one is coming to save you. The world seems colder and crueler all the time.
So you start telling yourself to toughen up and get over it. Even after the abuse has ended you’re still telling yourself that you deserved it, that it wasn’t that bad, that you don’t get to call it abuse. You don’t get to fall apart, because no one’s coming to save you, remember?
Because in the memories, you’re always staring at the abuser. Think about it. You’re always seeing them, you’re always seeing the people who didn’t notice. You’re always seeing the people who possibly noticed but said nothing. You never think of turning and looking at yourself.
Freeze the moment. Can you see yourself? Do you remember how long your hair was at the time? How tall were you? What were you doing with your hands? What was your expression? Can you see the look you had in your eyes? These moments built up into the whole world feeling frozen over, but can you just look at what it is? There’s a child in front of you and they aren’t okay. All of those things you still say to yourself, that it wasn’t abuse, that it didn’t matter, that it was just life, that you have to get over it, can you say that to the child?
The world does seem impossibly cruel sometimes. That feeling still comes up. But there is some guaranteed compassion available to you at every moment. Your own. At every memory and every pain, you have the option of sitting next to that child and hugging them and telling them they don’t deserve any of this. It felt necessary to scold and berate yourself because in that environment it was necessary to be tough. You’re allowed to be kind now.
That kid’s been waiting ages for some kindness
Anonymous said: That post about deserving recovery was really helpful to me - I just wanted you to know that :) so thank you. I'm seriously thinking about getting myself some help finally
I’m so happy! I know it’s not an easy choice to make. Give yourself credit for the progress of even considering help. You deserve to be well and enjoy life :)
I want to go back to sharing more therapy worksheets and info that I’ve collected. So if you guys have any topics you want more on, or emotions or situations you want more coping skills for, feel free to leave me a message. I might not post it immediately, as my posting has been sporadic around my health, but I should get to it eventually as I’ve got just about everything here
In the midst of scrolling through all of your fitspo posts today, remember, healthy isn’t the same for everyone.
Your journey is entirely your own. No one else’s recovery should pressure you to speed things up or skip steps to save time. You are where you are right now and that is alright. Use the skills you have and apply them to the problems you have. Accepting where you are is how you start to really move forward.
Anonymous said: No questions, just saying that your blogs are helping me so much. I don't have a tumblr, just found yours through random creeping--I mean searching haha! It's refreshing to find logical and positive approaches to problems that I also deal with that are similar to yours. Please keep going in your recovery! It is inspiring. <3
haha thank you :) it’s hard to keep blogging sometimes with my health as it is, but messages like this give me life